Paradise Lost

The light was blue; not a dark blue, but a soft and calm bluish light at the end of a tunnel. Was I a prisoner there? As I stood in the room, I realised it wasn’t a room, but a cave. Around me, millions of blue crystals were blinking a mysterious code. Would I be able to understand it? How? At the moment, I was not even capable of comprehending myself. Always struggling to translate my thoughts, to enable them to complement my feelings.

I am not a child, at least, not in the usual sense that people give to the word. I am an adult, a female adult, normally termed ‘a woman’. Not a good gender choice, as I was soon to learn. So many duties, and restrictions; too little freedom. Freedom was a paramount, basic necessity to me. What else was? Well: Love? Breathing? Eating? Pouring from my hand, the blood was a weird contrast with all that calm. Why was I bleeding? I had no answers, only dozens of questions. Only solitude and despair. “Who am I?” This was the crucial issue nobody had found a civilised answer to until now. Would I?

My hand was sending me signals of weakness. I am weak, I always was, from when the sun rose on my birthday, until the reasons leading me to this place. Weakness, fear, an inherent cowardice. I am missing you; that’s the reality I have to face. All this is about you. The bright shadowed eyes of my mornings, the strong touch on my body, you and me. The reality outside is painful, like a rose cut from the bush, I was cut from you.

Why is darkness an acceptable answer? Why was it not for me? I did not choose darkness, neither the sad option to bury myself in a grey pain. No, it’s not me to act like that in monochrome. I prefer the red colour of blood, the calm blue of our world where we lived. I learned about you in all the silence we shared, understanding each layer you had hidden. One after the other I was revealing your purity, your kindness, the eager desire to fulfil a love you did not believe could exist. Then, I was at your door, asking for few minutes of attention, some sweet touches and a savage complement to my desires. I was there, near you, giving all I had; asking for nothing in return.

Evening, , it was an evening in reds and oranges when you decided we were not meant to be. Your decision, not mine, your call to a prayer I would never share with you. So, I moved on. Not too far, not too close. It was one of those movements that one does in a delicate moment when love and respect are not enough. It wasn’t, right? It never would be.

My feet are cold, the blood has stopped flowing. My body is healing, it’s a smart mechanism. I will survive, but do I really want to? Do I want the pastel world where I lived before you? Do I want the regrets and guilt? I am not an easy light, I am a bit insidious, violent, uneasy, a challenge to most of my partners. Never fitting in, never leaving, ambivalent to normal human nature. Now, I understand the red and the blue, the calm and the rant.

Outside the cave is the world I have to leave; unpleasant sometimes, more because of the uncoloured creatures infiltrated into the crowd than the humans I pass in the streets every day. I still want more provocations from life. I dare, again and again, to see the light in your eyes, in your dreams if it is my only option. I am fire; I was on fire, the burning inside the flame persisting as the reality imposed its strength.

I am out now. I can experience the orange light of morning, the cold breeze covering my arms with goose pimples. A warm, soft hand slides on my body, it’s not you, it’s not me, it’s another opportunity to be alive. Yes, life is important to me, I did not think this before, but now I see, it’s significant. I know I have no meaning, no purpose. As random as everything, I am here simply because I am. There is no comma, no ellipsis, only an accident of chemistry.

You, like me, are a result, not a destination; a path, not an obligation. We are part of the biggest unknown situation; blaming all the universe for the distance it imposes. Relieving the system in other caves, on worlds of this, and other suns.

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