Now You Tell Me

So, you stand before me now.

Why?

What right do you think you’re owed?

Why, when for so long you were not here?

Why did I endure so many solitary nights, even when you were by my side? Nights that followed days of complete abandonment, as if I were just a ghost in your life who you could ignore?

How many tears did I cry for you?

How many words of love and admiration, of hope and respect did I give to you?

I lived for you…

My devotion to you was unselfish; I almost killed myself trying to make you happy.

But now I’m not so sure that there is anything that could even come close!

What might I say to make it better? I’m not sure I even want to…where once there was a burning love; now ice-cold resentment bites from in my core. To tell the truth, there is a certain satisfaction in my mind: seeing you like this, down and hurt so badly, showing me a side of you I had not known…a pitiful weakness behind you hard steel shell. You were always the one who was ‘right’ and ‘perfect’ while I…I was the flogging stick in complete disarray, imperfection upon imperfection.

Now you’re here, in my court; seated in the dock before me, what’s the plea? You say you’ve missed me. Why? You made me sure you never needed me back then; I meant nothing in your life. In the beginning, I was a decoration; later, simply a burden on your freedom. And now you’re here, saying you’re in love? With whom? With me?

What kind of new torture is this? All those time I thought you despised me, and now I’ve gone from you, now, only now, you tell me you are in love…That is not how it was. Is your mind as contorted as the confusing signs you send?. Not so long ago you were the bird that didn’t want stay; now you want a nest, my nest – and me in it…

You were nonchalant, strong and unaffected; you never wanted me there. You never showed me your heart; you kept it closed. Right now, I really don’t feel I know how to care.

Why now?

Are you getting old? Did the last fling get beneath your skin; did she break your heart? Perhaps you saw me in another’s arms? Is it jealousy? Is this? Are you so cold?

For so long you paid me no attention; there was no affection from you to heal the hurt. I stayed awake so many nights… hoping…wishing… listening just to hear those words that would have meant so much. But now…maybe it’s too late. My heart was shattered like a crystal globe; impossible to place each piece to rebuild its once well-rounded form. You miss me now? I missed me before; but now I’ve found myself, a much stronger me.

My horizon is brighter today than yesterday. I have few hopes, few certainties, I am a person living one day after the other. Discovering my absolute limits, that perforce I hid all those years and years I lived with you.

We said in the beginning; it was forever. Forever was such a short time for you. One night, one-month max. and your ‘forever’ reached its end. And now, you have the impudence to say you missed me, that you’re in love. For who? For me?

I don’t know if I can love again. I have no heart. I only know my body needs to be used. I run, I do Pilates, I even belly dance, but I need the energy that sex provides. Sex for the sake of sex, even sometimes a glimpse of the old love burns in my mind.

Get what you have, because the old me couldn’t exist anymore. If you want the me I was before, then you’ll never find her. You will have only the new me: free, with no heart but full of desire.

Tell me, do you want who I am? I dare you to build today with me? Tell me what you are now, I can listen, I can understand and maybe we would. Maybe.

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